When Every Minute Feels Like A Mile

It’s really really really hard to explain to someone who hasn’t had the experience what a Depressive Episode is really like.  They try to explain them.  But they really don’t understand them.  I’m talking about those who have never had one.  But it does have some common characteristics, where despair, loss of self-esteem, hopelessness, and existential angst converge and form a massive Depressive episode, which may or may not end with a suicide attempt, depending on whether you’re Bipolar II (I’ve read they make the most attempts and are often successful).  What happens from that point on is whether anyone can predict how the episode will conclude.  And most likely.  They cannot.

Just had a fabulous conversation with a member from my DBSA Support group and we both agreed, people’s perception about Brain Disorders, especially those that are expressed through our emotions, are pretty fucked up.  It’s like people want to pretend we’re not there.  They keep shoving us back in the Closet.  Fuck that.

We have been willing guinea pigs for pharmaceutical companies from the start.  As soon as we start ingesting those chemicals we have no idea what affect they will actually have on our bodies.  And the pharmaceutical companies are not only using us for research purposes, they are making profits because of their products.  So it’s in their interest to keep those meds out there as long as possible, regardless of whether they do anything.  But the thing is, we are the one’s who have to come up with the dough to pay for those meds.  And some are simply just too expensive — even with Insurance.

I just want to make it clear.  I take meds.  And I comply.  I am a perfect girl scout when it comes to that.  But I have had so many reactions, not related to my symptoms, that I had to continually switch.  And nothing really worked.

At this point, I spend a month in Greece every summer and spend a lot of time in the afternoon sun.  That stores me up with the sun I’ll need to get through Autumn and maybe Winter.

And I take the least intrusive dose of Effexor XR.  And Trileptal, which for me is really important, since I have Bipolar II.  The stabilizing is very important in the treatment of my symptoms.  Antidepressants alone can bring disaster.  Like a really serious hypomania, which can last for months, during which you make life-changing decisions (not always good), and experience some brilliant moments, as well.

And finally.  Marijuana helps me sleep — a big problem for me, sleep — and has absolutely nothing but wonderful side-effects.

That’s it.

Oh, yes.  Insurance Companies.  One of my favorite topics.  Our health choices are controlled now not by doctors but the insurance companies who force our doctors to adjust our medications because of pressure from them.  What business do Insurance companies have acting as the arbiters of our health decisions?  Who gave them that right?  Is that what you call Capitalism?  Fuck that, too.

When Every Minute Feels Like A Mile …

You have a lot of time to think.

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