Mostly Cloudy

It’s a warm day in early May.  After a day of rain, we are now drying off, and under a mostly cloudy sky.  Every now and then, the sun enters through a break in the clouds, and warms us from the chill. 

THAT IMPORTANT LIGHT WE CALL THE SUN

Whereas yesterday was smeared in gray all around here, plus the incessant rain for a day —nice change — today we get to see the blue sky above the clouds.  Cumulus, I think they are.  Not sure.  And every so often, the sun comes through.  The Marvelous Healer.

I’ve tried a light box and it just isn’t the same as being in the sun.  The light box made no discernible differences, like many of my meds, and so I put it away.  But as soon as the first hint of Spring arrives, I am out there every morning on the balcony soaking sun.  The result is phenomenal…  After a week of doing this my mood has improved.  And it’s not a temporary lift.  It is gradual.  I get better everyday.  The effects of the sun are cumulative. 

… That is why I suppose when I was in college and when I became severely hypomanic and was down to 85 pounds, my father shipped me to Greece for the summer to stay with my aunt in Paralion, Astros, a resort town, 2 hours outside of Athens.  My aunt said I looked like a skeleton when she saw me.  I remember her express her horror.  She said my complexion was gray and I was skin and bones.

Of course, at that time I had yet to be diagnosed.  So you have no idea what’s really going on.  You just know you’re behaving and meandering through your moods, which seem to be in control, whilst you still think you are in control.  And that is a huge misconception we carry around for years, even after we are diagnosed correctly.  You really want to believe you are in control… yet you are not in control of your moods as they are to you.

MY COCKTAIL

… consisted of going to the beach every day, swimming and getting sun.

… eating a healthy diet of fresh fruits, vegetables and fish

… drinking Greek coffee and smoking cigarettes

I stayed there for 2 months and gained at least 20 pounds.  Healthier than I had been in years.  But emotionally I was still wrought with pain and anger towards my partner who did not want to commit to a permanent relationship.  At that point, we needed some couples counseling, but didn’t get it.

And that was only the beginning.

The nightmare that followed is not one I care to repeat again.

Even so, there was this connection there that was impenetrable.  Perhaps because we had become parents.  Had done something together.  That would unite us forever, no matter how apart we were from each other.